clarity

I'm such and inconsistent blogger, forgive me. I have a hard time really thinking I have anything worth saying in blog form...also, I am lazy at times.

Back in May I began seeking God very expectantly, requesting clarity by the end of this Summer. I don't often give God timelines, but I had a feeling it was OK. I have felt little direction on what I am supposed to do after college and to whom or what I am supposed to be devoting my time and energies. I am indecisive to a fault and I feel compartmentalized and spread thin over the school year. I generally avoid thinking too much on my future, but in the back of my mind, Fear continually nags at me. So I called on God to bring a stop to this. I didn't ask him for an outline to my life, I just needed the confusion out. I needed to not spend my senior year crippled in fear.
So God, with his knack for faithfulness, has brought me clarity. Not answers, just clarity. The funny thing is, I can't particularly elaborate on what that clarity is...because I just feel it. On a practical level it is in my decision to not pursue English Academia, but rather commit my life to other broken people through ministry. So on that note, here are some recent thoughts of mine. background: I've been working the Summer at a children's home. This is my second summer working with these youth who I find to be the most broken people I have ever come in contact with in my life. Last Summer I spent my time being angry. I was so livid at God for how unfair their lives were. This summer, I find myself more sad than angry. More desperate for God to just DO SOMETHING...

http://everycommonbushafire.blogspot.com/2010/07/wasteful-god.html

This blog, by one of my favorite people (everone has favorites, don't lie to yourself), has resonated with me. Check it out.

He speaks about his frustration toward the Lord because really it is sickening how many people go through this world not feeling the love of God when others around claim to have it inside of them. The injustice of the spiritually, emotionally, and physically deprived makes my heart sad. I'm connecting to what Keith is saying not because I am conflicted with the Lord over the injustice of this world to the same degree that Keith is; Because part of me believes that the anger Keith feels is rooted in love and selflessness that only God can plant in a man. But what I connect with is the need to love the unlovable.
This summer, I have been working with teenagers who have been told on many levels how worthless they are. Whether its through a parent who refuses to take a couple classes to get their child back, the DSS system that plays freaking musical chairs with their placements, or foster families who ship them off at the first sign of inconvenience; these young people are starved for real relationship and are scrapping to find false forms of it. I'm sickened...and now, I have spent two monthes here to only be another person who is in and out of their lives. But one day, this will not be the case.
Right now, I am a fleeting intern, but one day I will be a constant in the lives of broken children. They will fight and break down, they will hate me and hate this world, and I will love them despite their rage against their own existance. The gospel that is settled in my core is the only thing that can heal them. I've started ranting, but I can't help it. I can't continue to think that by writing essays, and learning thoery that I can love people more deeply. Maybe for some, this is completly possible, but I think that I'm not made that way. So there is my clarity, in all of it's muddled delivery. Its not finished, its only started :)